Here I am being completely and totally raw. I am being real, personal, and vulnerable. Some days I feel everything while some days I feel nothing. Other days I feel some things and a few minutes later I am utterly numb. It's part of the process, it's part of the depression and the anxiety.
But today I felt everything. I think it's because I allowed myself to. I slept through my husband getting ready for work. So I woke up alone with my thoughts. I cried because I miss our Uncle that we lost a year ago today. At one random moment I fell into a daze as I recounted that day. I walked slowly as I remembered the pain my husband suffered through. I watched him lose his first loved one since we had been together. Then I watched his strength starting that day and lasting up until today. We drove to San Diego to be with his family on that Tuesday morning. We both cried off and on and we both grew that day. Our relationship grew stronger as we weathered death for the millionth time together.
I was feeling everything today and that is because I wasn't scared to, I allowed those feelings.
Then I got the news tonight. The news I had been dreading and avoiding for months. The kind of news that isn't the end of the world but shatters your heart. And now, now I can't feel anything. I feel numb again.
Unfortunately, that is how it goes. It sucks and I hate it and it is painful. But I am fighting and I am pushing forward. And I am choosing to believe Romans 8:26. Choosing to believe that even when I am numb, that I can still pray and that Christ will still hear me.
"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans."
Romans 8:26 NKJV
