mornings.

Mornings are really rough. But probably not for the reason your thinking.

Lately I have come to the realization that I do not like to talk about or acknowledge my depression because it makes people squirm. Because according to the church (I am talking the global church), a Christian should never be depressed. Because the stigma that society has attached to depression is rather sickening and in my opinion makes depression worse. I am not proud of my depression and every time it hits, I wish more than anything that I could run away from it. I. Hate. Depression.

But I am done hiding from it, and I am done pretending like it isn't a struggle in my life. I no longer allow room for judgmental people to speak hurtful things. I know that dealing with depression is not for everyone and that is ok. I am thankful for the friends or should I say "family" that have chosen to stand by me and support me through this struggle.

My depression has been pretty bad these past few months. Mornings are always the hardest part of the day for me. I always wake up tired, no matter how much sleep I get. I can't be awake for longer than two hours before I have to have my coffee. My alarm clock goes off and my heart hurts.

"Gold" by Sir Sly blasts 3 different times every 10 minutes until I wake up. I have come to resent "Gold" (shouldn't choose a song you really love to wake you every morning) as it comes as a sad reminder that every move I make for the next three to four hours will hurt. Some mornings hurt so bad that I am certain I won't even make it out of bed.

Mornings are a terrible reminder of how weak I am. The sun hits me and I am reminded that the day is going to be hard. I will have to fight to get through it. Sometimes mornings feel the darkest. I have to wake up early and I have to be social. I think a lot of it revolves around the fear of not knowing how bad my depression and/or anxiety will be that day. Waking up just as tired as when you went to bed is a really difficult concept. But every morning I wake up and it hits me, "I am so beyond tired". "I am going to have to fight like crazy to make it through this day". The thought passes through my mind that an anxiety attack could hit me at work, at church, or even while I'm driving. One little thing could hit me where I am sensitive and before you know I am thrown into another bout of depression. I am fighting to keep my head above water.

I am alive and I am sensitive. I am feeling everything the morning holds. I am trying to run the race with joy and not fall into a state of depression.

But I'm thankful because even the most difficult morning brings the most beautiful reminder of Gods grace. The various struggles I face every morning also remind me that God is good and He is so full of grace. No matter how low my mornings feel, God is always faithful.

Always.